Chuck Norris – How Cool are You?

This will be an ongoing project to find all the cool Internet features on Chuck Norris.

Here is a list of things indicating Chuck Norris’ abilities. Be warned that there is some vulgar language.

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a tillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
11. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
12. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
13. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn’t was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
14. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left,right,B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
15. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
16. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
19. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
20. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
21. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
22. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, “Holy crap! That’s Chuck Norris!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
23. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
24. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
25. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s shit.
26. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
27. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up,he’s pushing the Earth down.
28. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
29. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
30. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
31. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
32. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
33. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
34. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
35. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
36. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
37. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
38. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
39. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
40. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
41. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
42. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
43. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
44. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
45. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
46. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
47. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
48. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
49. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
50. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.
51. Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
52. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
53. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

I would also like to point out a great video I found the other night…
Why Chuck Norris is Such as Badass

iplaying: Into the Sun – Lifehouse – Lifehouse. What can I say? I’m giving Lifehouse another chance at life with their third album which I previously thought was awful.